Yes, I AM happy!

Finally, again I am happy! Truly, inside and out content and happy.

Everything started to get shit in my life. My boyfriend and I we're drifting apart and fighting despite the fact we were spending ALL our time together, my bestfriend left and i was left with no one by my side who would always be there, I was hating one of my jobs and it was dragging down my whole pursona on the days i went there, i had nothing to look forward to.

But now.. Me and my boyfriend are better than ever and we don't need to be spending every second together, we celebrated our first anniversary <3, I have re-adjusted to life away from the bestfriend and am still managing to be happy and cope, I have resigned from my horrible job and gotten a promotion for full time at the job i completely ADORE working at, I have organised a travelling holiday and am now working towards and planning for it, I have realised if you're one of the people who is dragging me down, making me feel crap or not letting me be myself (either for in-your-face reasons or sub-conscience reasons you make me feel) i have left you behind. ...Possibly this is why I'm not texting you back, not starting the communication, not giving a shit that once again you're miserable and would like me to share your misery - because this time i don't care, you're on your own! ..Because I'm happy and nobody and nothing is going to change this!

The thing I've learnt most is that all that was needed was for me to put me first and actually listen to what i wanted. Which although i thought it was to be around the people i care about 24/7 it was completely the opposite it was to be around myself and re-find who i am, what i want, who i care for, where my life is going (not in the future, but now).

People are horrible when they are down, they lose and push things/people they care about away and they forget to think about how all this is effecting those people. I am truly so happy that i realised just in time.

And now... I sing because i'm happy, my laughter isn't fake, my smile is genuine, my interest isn't only in myself and all the crap i was dragging around with myself when i wasn't happy.
To the people i almost killed my relationships with but they stayed anyway, I LOVE YOU, THANK YOU. You are amazing!

I have figured out the inner key in happiness and I'm never misplacing it again!!



Lots Of Love,
Pretty Little Bitch Girl
xx

games nights.

To put it nicely, my boyfriend is a geek!

His friends are nerds and they all get together to be lame and have a "games night" this is where they sit around like weirdo's for up to 12+ hours at once and play xbox.    
                     ...Because like seriously, what could be more boring fun!

So this week in particular is one that is so ridiculously dork-ish i thought i had to share it!

The boyfriend got back two nights ago.
          Night One : He went to a games night from the afternoon until the middle of the night.
          Night Two : He was meant to go to a games night but fell asleep instead - but when he awoke at 2am he of course tried really hard to get in contact with the other boys to see if the games night was still going and if he could go round or it was too late.
         Night Three : He is once again at a games night, that finishes at god knows what time.
         Night Four : The games night is at our place. (This normally starting around 6 and finishing mid day when i decide it's time for me and the boyfriend to go out for brunch)
Then there is Two more nights left... hopefully there will be no more "games nights" but of course there will be xbox-ing.

NERD ALERT OR WHAT?!

And the saddest part is, I've grown accustom to it, and the weeks that there is no games night are unfamiliar and 'different'.

Lots Of Love,
Pretty Little Bitch Girl
xx 

Change

2012 will be different and this is how..

• I will go back to the weight i was at the beggining of last year or skinnier. 
• I wont eat as much crap.
• I will start running again.
• I will do more things that make me happy.
• I will stop putting 'you' first when I'm in need of being first.
• I will say what i want and what i mean not what you want and need to hear.
• I will travel.
• I will make an investment.
• I will stop pretending to myself.
• I will love.

Lots Of Love,
Pretty Little Bitch Girl
xx  

Soul Crusher.

How are you supposed to tell someone you love to stop lying and make things right when you know they've been lying for years and all of a sudden it all makes sense.
How are you supposed to let them know they have the heart and soul of another in the palm of their hands and all that has to be done is let a piece of the string unfold and that person will be crushed for life.
How are you supposed to tell them to make it right when they are in so deep that the 'right' will still hurt someone's heart in unimaginable ways.

What are you supposed to do when you know it's all going to explode and nothing will be able to make it right.
How are you supposed to protect someone and protect yourself at the same time.

How are you meant to do anything? what are you meant to do?

How are you supposed to sit back and do nothing from a different state knowing that this christmas could unravel one of your biggest lies and leave someone i never want to see hurt in complete agony.

I wish i could expose you as the lying piece of filth that you are, although at the same time i love you and long for your care, love and exception of me. And this although i want and need it more than anything sickens me that you have this much imput into my emotions and my being.

I want to be able to hurt your emotions, make you feel like dirt and something that is a burdon on my life like you make us feel. I want you to hate yourself because you're not excepted by the ones that are meant to love you. I want you to be lied to and locked out of our life like you lock us out. I want you to feel the pain that you make us feel when you pile on another one of your lies, just so we can find out once again that you're a disgrace.

I love you but i hate you even more for the pain you cause the ones i love. I know your secrets and betrayals because i've learnt through mistake after mistake that when you pretend to care it's only to fool us into believing your next lie. And congratulations once again it worked, not on me but on the person it will hurt the most, as i've learnt how to hide the pain and not care but this other person has not. I've always been there to shelter them but this time i can't be, and it's killing me.

Sometimes i wonder what happened to you to make you so bitter, who hurt you so much that you don't know how to love but most of the time i pitty you because in the end you'll have no one. Of course we will always be around, we just wont care as much. And that will be when you need it the most after it's all run out and there is none left.

I hope you read this, because you'll know exactly what lie i just uncovered and you will hate yourself.

Lots Of Love,
Pretty Little Bitch Girl
xx 

Fight Kisses

Everytime a fight occurs, even if it's of the littlest degree the only thing i hope my boyfriend will do is kiss me to shut me up and not let me pull away. And finally!!, that's what he did this time.

...And it was fantastic! 

What is it that makes the desire of being wanted when you're angry, mad and upset so intense?

i love you

Fake smiling, pretending to others that you're happy, pretending to yourself that you're happy. Until it suddenly catches up to you and you feel yourself beggining to fall apart.

What are you meant to do? Keep smiling? Deal with it? What if you don't know what you are dealing with. What if you're just a mess?!

Maybe my life has become a routine? Nothing new and exciting, romantic, spontaneous, surprising, fun is happening. It is the same old fun, the same old gestures of passion, love, friendship, everything. It's the same, nothing new.
Perhaps it's all just boredom within life for the moment, maybe it's actual unhappiness.

Although I think it's boredom of the same everything. How do you fix that? what do you do to change it when everyone and thing around you keeps only offering you the same things, the same ways to show they care, they love, they treasure. You only get the same.

My unhappiness affects the people i love (like it has today) and for that i hate myself. ...I'm sorry - i love you always, regardless of my unpleasantness and difficulty to put up with sometimes.
                        ....PS... I treasure you closest to my heart.

This however could be because i am a massive drama queen and sook - possibly everything is fine and i am just overreacting to a bad week..who knows.      ...not me...

Lots Of Love,
Pretty Little Bitch Girl
xx

departure of the bestfriend

So.. my bestfriend is leaving. And i'm devostated!

This one moved up from the place we both grew up to my current home to be with me and enjoy life in the sun. And now almost a year later is leaving, and i can't imagine how i will survive!

..Who will be there to make sure i don't enter the kitchen because a cockroach has taken over..
...Who will have multiple weirdo crushes on men that can entertain me for hours just thinking of 'why?'...
...How will i be lazy and sit at home in my pjs, paint my nails, and think all day of what i will wear that night - that of course we don't end up wearing...
...Who will make me laugh when i could cry...
...Who will stay home on a weekend and drink cups of tea watching tv series and tell everyone else we are busy just to escape it all every now and then...

....Who will alwats be there...
                          WHO?...No one that can do it nearly as well as the bestfriend could.

I am going to MISS HER TERRIBLY! So much so that i could beg her to stay.

Though on the other hand, it is good she is going. For many reasons, some being she is missing her baby brother grow up - and it's a sad thing to miss. She has an awesome job waiting for her that will mean she can afford what she wants when she wants it and splash out on presents for her friend that is missing her back home. :)
There are reasons why her departure is good. But i can't think of many.

The main thing is i don't want her to leave! I will miss her everyday, as this year has been the best year ever!!

I hope she hates it, changes her mind and comes back.

I love you, forever my bestfriend!

Lots Of Love,
Pretty Little Bitch Girl
xx