i love you

Fake smiling, pretending to others that you're happy, pretending to yourself that you're happy. Until it suddenly catches up to you and you feel yourself beggining to fall apart.

What are you meant to do? Keep smiling? Deal with it? What if you don't know what you are dealing with. What if you're just a mess?!

Maybe my life has become a routine? Nothing new and exciting, romantic, spontaneous, surprising, fun is happening. It is the same old fun, the same old gestures of passion, love, friendship, everything. It's the same, nothing new.
Perhaps it's all just boredom within life for the moment, maybe it's actual unhappiness.

Although I think it's boredom of the same everything. How do you fix that? what do you do to change it when everyone and thing around you keeps only offering you the same things, the same ways to show they care, they love, they treasure. You only get the same.

My unhappiness affects the people i love (like it has today) and for that i hate myself. ...I'm sorry - i love you always, regardless of my unpleasantness and difficulty to put up with sometimes.
                        ....PS... I treasure you closest to my heart.

This however could be because i am a massive drama queen and sook - possibly everything is fine and i am just overreacting to a bad week..who knows.      ...not me...

Lots Of Love,
Pretty Little Bitch Girl
xx

departure of the bestfriend

So.. my bestfriend is leaving. And i'm devostated!

This one moved up from the place we both grew up to my current home to be with me and enjoy life in the sun. And now almost a year later is leaving, and i can't imagine how i will survive!

..Who will be there to make sure i don't enter the kitchen because a cockroach has taken over..
...Who will have multiple weirdo crushes on men that can entertain me for hours just thinking of 'why?'...
...How will i be lazy and sit at home in my pjs, paint my nails, and think all day of what i will wear that night - that of course we don't end up wearing...
...Who will make me laugh when i could cry...
...Who will stay home on a weekend and drink cups of tea watching tv series and tell everyone else we are busy just to escape it all every now and then...

....Who will alwats be there...
                          WHO?...No one that can do it nearly as well as the bestfriend could.

I am going to MISS HER TERRIBLY! So much so that i could beg her to stay.

Though on the other hand, it is good she is going. For many reasons, some being she is missing her baby brother grow up - and it's a sad thing to miss. She has an awesome job waiting for her that will mean she can afford what she wants when she wants it and splash out on presents for her friend that is missing her back home. :)
There are reasons why her departure is good. But i can't think of many.

The main thing is i don't want her to leave! I will miss her everyday, as this year has been the best year ever!!

I hope she hates it, changes her mind and comes back.

I love you, forever my bestfriend!

Lots Of Love,
Pretty Little Bitch Girl
xx

The Boyfriends Roots.

So my boyfriend was a bit of a tramp before we met (not that i can judge, nor care as it was his past not present/future) and somehow things creep up to linger in my subconscience. Not often, but still often enough.
                  ....And there's nothing i can do about it.
Besides feel lousy.

To give you an example of the times that i ended up feeling like shit about myself (for who knows what reason) ....

A few months ago we were all out at the local pub for our ritual saturday night though my boyfriend was away that week. I got talking with my bestfriend and another girl (who i have become friends with since meeting through the group surrounding my boyfriend) about general girl talk. As we are in the middle of a conversation nothing to do with anything important the girl says '...me and ...boyfriends name.. used to fuck...' thats all i really remember except the fact all the alcohol then rushed to my emotions which didnt help. Luckily my dearest bestie was there to say she needed the bathroom and drag me with her before i could become a mess in front of people. 
                     Two things though;                 
                                                   Why did that have to be brought that up in converstaion and make me pretend i didnt care and that i already knew - as to not be awkward - (which i think i should have already known but didn't)
                                                 And secondly why would i have not known this? why would my boyfriend not have told me?! I hang out with this girl, shouldn't i know you've fucked? But that's ok that i didn't know my mind now can play fun games like 'think of all the depressing reasons why he didn't tell you' - woo fun!

I got over that one pretty fast though. About the time my alcohol wore off.. or a few days later.. i can't quite remember.

But here we go, example number two. And this one sucks!

The other week i met and had drinks with one of my boyfriend and the boys' old friend ..who just to add is younger than me and prettier too!... this girl i'd heard bits about but not much. The main thing i'd heard was she'd slept with one of the boys' ..i'll call him Cody for arguments sake. I'd also heard a rumor she'd slept with my boyfriend and before meeting i asked him 'is she pretty?' He'd responded by telling me not at all (apparently in his opinion) and asked 'have you slept with her?' and he replied to my question with 'Cody slept with her.' this making me as anyone else would do the same take the sleeping question as a no.
So we went out for drinks, ra ra ra.
Then a week-ish later comments on a facebook status breach the topic that yes my boyfriend had fucked her. as the comments went...
                       boyfriend: blablabla...you fucked Cody...blablabla
                                girl: I fucked you too
                      boyfriend: blablabla
As i am left there wondering why my boyfriend indirectly lied to me about it and what does talking about it mean my boyfriend continues his stupid conversation about it. I don't joke with my ex's about how we used to fuck because i don't care so by talking about it on a public place for everyone to see shows what exactly, that you still care? I don't know.
      But i do know avoiding my question before meeting her about the relationship between you guys and telling me it was one of the other boys (though this was true) not you is deffinately not a wise idea for the future!

So that's it.
Ex fucks should your partner know or not? what about if your partner knows the person, should you tell them then?
Cos not telling them i'm sure isn't the best choice to go with.

Lots Of Love,
Pretty Little Bitch Girl
xx

Death by suffocation.

Those stupid people who believe "we're meant to be together" regardless of the fact the other half of the 'we' is sure that you're not. So sure that you wouldn't care if they we're in this universe or not. Yet are forced to stay as 'together forever' or are just there as a  little follower who will one day be with you (possibly again) and you will be 'forever together'.     And these people, these relationships, these scenarios SUCK! .. just to put it simply.

I truly don't understand why you stay with that special (or not so special) person because one of you thinks 'this is it'. Why is it? Is it for comfort and the norm because you're too afraid to hurt that little bit so you just stay forever and end up being the 'forever together couple' that really at the core of it one or even both of you are screaming for out?

But then the ones who are dragging you down because you're there true love, their life's only complete when you are on their arm. YOU GUYS ARE PATHETIC! no offence..

Why do people feel content with life when it's through manipulation, guilt, dishonesty in lies and betrayal or force that the people around you are staying? Or not even staying, you're just following. How are you happy within? How are you smiling on the inside as well as the outside?

Some people dazzel me with their profound ways at life and their ability to be happy whilst dragging someone down to achieve it.

You people deep down are horrible, and in my eyes you're a waste of space. Because all you do is slowly kill someone else - regardless if that other person seems to care or recognise that you are suffocating them to their death you are still horrible.

Lots Of Love,
Pretty Little Bitch Girl
xx

romantic sex or romantic snuggle.

As i was sitting home watching crap on tv over dinner with my love i decide 'hey, maybe i could be romantic tommorow night and surprise my boyfriend' because he is always doing sweet stuff for me.
So that's what i attempted the following night, and here's how it went..

It was 7pm after i got home and had finished dinner, he would be home at 8. Perfect i had one hour. I moved all the shit and clutter away and put it where it belongs and noticed how it actually looks nice and huge when it's clean, who would have thought! I showered put on sexy lingure and covered the whole room with candles. It looked beautiful. We had strawberries in champagne downstairns plus an extra bottle of champagne too :) ! I was excited..and i looked pretty good, well at least i thought.

8pm when he arrives home. We go upstairs so he can put his stuff away, possibly play his xbox, but i knew that was not what i'd planned for the cards that evening.

He opens the bedroom door and there is our bedroom looking beautifully romantic.

Though.. my night then went off course..

I like to snuggle when we go to bed. So my boyfriend thought he would give me what i wanted and want to snuggle. This putting a downer on my night as 'sweetie i love to snuggle, but no that is not what i planned tonight!'

Though after an awkward moment of him trying to snuggle to give me what i normally want and me seducing him i finally got it through his head that hey, tonight it's not about the snuggling. Then we got our strawberries and champagne and the night that I'd originally planned.

So what is it, is a planned night romantic only when it ends in sex or when plans are changed and it ends in snuggles (that are normally cute and romantic whilst watching a movie in bed) with a room full of candles still romantic or does it lose it's point of a romantic suprise?

Lots Of Love,
Pretty Little Bitch Girl
xx

Nothing Over $22 or Everything Over $200?

What is actually better? Are the expensive shops better than the cheaper shops?...In all cases?

There's this to die for gorgeous throw over top, that really just completes you. It is exactly your style, your colour, your everything. But it's $89 from the nice boutique store that looks although it is all thats happening. As you ponder over purchasing this fab piece of clothing for the same as your weekly rent share you peruse the other shops in the street. And fancy that! It's the same top from a nice cheaper store just down the road. It's only $20. Which one is better? Are the fabrics, stitchings and everything else of better quality when you buy from the boutique shop or is there mark up just greedy?

I don't know! But I go for the one that costs the same as lunch rather than rent.

The town i currently live in sucks on the shopping side, until a few months back where a new little store called 'Nothing Over $22' opened.
As an example of this, a friend of mine, who is extremely short on cash every week (without splashing out on anything - ever!) recently bought a necklace from a highly overpriced store for $150!!! really a necklace for one hundred and fifty dollars!! where are your brains! Without even looking at other stores around. Like two doors up is the nothing over $22 store that has practically the exact same necklace for i dono.. $22 or less. WOULD THAT NOT BE SMARTER? To purchase the cheap one from a nice store with everything the other store has for just a fraction of the cost.

People are silly with their money. They are stupid in fact.

But my thought is.. even if something is cheaper and possible not as good yet still does the job and you can't actually tell the difference at all what-so-ever why do people buy the expensive stuff? Is it just to brag and show off, are some people really that vain and deluded?

I'm glad I'm not like that as i can get my necklace and still afford cocktails with the girls after, rather than 2-minute noodles until next pay day.

Lots Of Love,
Pretty Little Bitch Girl
xx

I'm not yours.

There are these 'types' of people around us who.. in my words.. are annoyingly possessive, controlling, subliminaly trying to destroy good things that you have(with their constant in your face approach or stupid suggestions), and think that you are 'theirs', guilt you, and all sorts of stuff like this.

These people are wrong, we are not yours! and in fact if you want even a smidgen of me, i advise you to back off.. because sweetheart, soon i wont just not be 'yours', i wont be your anything. You are smothering me, you are holding the pillow over my head so that i can't breath.. and we all know loss of oxygen results in death.

But don't get me wrong. I LOVE YOU TO DEATH, you're just rushing things into the wrong direction at a high speed pace. But the thing is, no matter how i try to show you or tell you this, you don't want to take it on board, you listen but you don't hear what i am saying.
                            And what i am saying is don't ruin what we have. Because i like us.

Although if you are trying to ruin us and what we have, congratulations. You're doing an amazing job.

I will never be the 'property' of you. Please try and remember that, trust me it will do us both good. I am my property and that is final. You don't get a say!

So.. i sound harsh so i will remind you, I LOVE YOU!!!! i just don't want to love you when you're making us like this. We don't know what will happen in a month from now, 2 months or even 6 years. What i do know is i want nothing more than you to be apart of my life. So please stop jeopradising that possibility.

And this, it could be anyone in your life, a boyfriend/girlfriend, family member, friend, anyone. And by saying this it may not mean it's the most likely candidate who will be the one to do this. But for your sake i hope you don't have a person who is like this at the moment, because it would suck to be you if you did.

Lots Of Love,
Pretty Little Bitch Girl
xx